So its been awhile

A long while.
I went into a depression there.  All the signs of loss have been there. I've been angry, crying at a drop of the hat.  I feel like I lost someone close to me.  And I did, I lost myself.
I know its weird but my pride stung and I was so embarrassed.
 I've been ill and tired.  Its been a mess.  I went to my doctor and got some anti-depression drugs.  Its day 3 of those.  I have to take them at night because otherwise I yawn all day, no not small yawns, BIG yawns! funny but not at work.  I made an appointment with my counselor.  I will see him this week.
Getting help is not a sign of weakness but of strength.  I had to reach out and help myself.
This was a build up.  This was not something new.  I had pushed on and through all the stress of working full time and taking classes, supervising students, and writing.  Yes failing comps was the icing on the cake but certainly NOT the cause of my problems.
My husband has been watching me worried and even my friends have been attentive waiting for me to talk.
So I have been talking...alot.
I went and talked to my chair.  She told me that I am NOT the first to fail written comps and I won't be the last.  people fail comps all the time.  They have made it through and are PhDs.  So never fear my friend who also failed comps.  I am there with you.  My chair said that I can get through this.  That is what I needed to hear.
Now I have to come up with three new questions.  It will take awhile.
So how am I pushing through this?  Well I am taking a step back.  Yes my health and mental sanity comes first.  I am not taking dissertation this summer.  I am studying abroad in Italy for 11 days and doing my practicum.  This gives me the time I need to recoup and recover.
I have also asked if I can take an extra year to write my dissertation.
I am also looking at changing my dissertation topic since it turns out that my original plan wouldn't give me enough people to compare results with.  Talk about some stress there....
I finally told a classmate of mine, one.  He handled it well.  He was more concerned about me and had said that he noticed something was wrong.  I thought I was hiding it well out in the "real world" but apparently not.  The assistant principal knows that something is wrong but doesn't know what and he has been checking on me everyday.
I did leave work the day I failed comps and cried and slept most of the day.  I cried at a drop of the hat a whole week after that.
I even looked at why I am getting this PhD.  Is it really necessary?  I find that it is.  Plus it would drive me batty to not finish something.  But then again that is why only 10% of the entire population have a PhD.
Then I found out something by talking with my father.  He failed Ranger school.  He went to West Point graduated # 2 in his class and he failed Ranger school.  The emotion he still feels for this is strong but it helped me out.  He got sick and so didn't get to finish.
I have the inner strength and I know I will finish this, but maybe another year or half a year added will be the ticket.
I am tough but I need to take care of myself.
Its time to regroup, reassess, and press on but maybe at a slower pace.