I passed my written comps!
Woohoooo.......such a relief
I have set my oral comps for July 11-15th.
So I am officially moving forward.
My chair wanted to tell me herself. She was happy and said that my comps was much better.
So hold on to your chairs people I am on a roll.
I will finish and will be Dr. Kat after all!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Comps take 2
I retook comps last weekend and every day this week I have checked my e-mail to see if I passed. Again if I fail I will be kicked out of the program.
My biggest fear is that I will be at work and check the e-mail and find that I failed and just loose it at work.
So I have been staying busy.
I made a costume from lord of the rings for my brother. I have been writing my dissertation as well.
So the next post will say whether or not I will continue this journey as a doc student....
My biggest fear is that I will be at work and check the e-mail and find that I failed and just loose it at work.
So I have been staying busy.
I made a costume from lord of the rings for my brother. I have been writing my dissertation as well.
So the next post will say whether or not I will continue this journey as a doc student....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
would rather
Be doing anything other then trying to come up with answers for the comps. I am practicing.
I would rather be napping, cooking, even cleaning.
I went to an Indian festival and got Henna on my hands.
I just found out through e-mail that I am meeting with my chair tomorrow.
Next week is my break from work. I expect more work to be done that week.
Weekends just go by too quickly.
It is hard to stay focused.
Glad to hear that my friend is now on a better path. A good chair someone who believes in you will make a HUGE difference.
Its funny because the one friend I told in my program is mad that they failed me and is a little bitter about the extra work I now have to do. He said, its their fault, if they didn't fail you you wouldn't have this extra stress. It is a stigma though, no one talks about failing comps.
I keep telling myself in one year this will all be over.
But now I must finish this practice......
I would rather be napping, cooking, even cleaning.
I went to an Indian festival and got Henna on my hands.
I just found out through e-mail that I am meeting with my chair tomorrow.
Next week is my break from work. I expect more work to be done that week.
Weekends just go by too quickly.
It is hard to stay focused.
Glad to hear that my friend is now on a better path. A good chair someone who believes in you will make a HUGE difference.
Its funny because the one friend I told in my program is mad that they failed me and is a little bitter about the extra work I now have to do. He said, its their fault, if they didn't fail you you wouldn't have this extra stress. It is a stigma though, no one talks about failing comps.
I keep telling myself in one year this will all be over.
But now I must finish this practice......
Monday, April 4, 2011
Meeting with chair
Destiny is Not a Matter of Chance, it is a Matter of Choice; it is Not a Thing to be Waited for, it is a Thing to be Achieved.
~William Jennings Bryan
My title sounds like I am talking to furniture. Nope I am not my friends, I am talking to THE CHAIR, the all important one. The person who will make sure I finish this PhD.
So we have set a new date for Comps, May 6-9th.
We talked at length about the new questions and I am going to start answering them to an extent and have my chair give me feedback. I must pass them this time. I have also given myself more time to perfect it and worry more....lol maybe not the worrying.
I have often told students that they need to set aside a time and just worry in that time but that they are not allowed to worry any other time during the day except during that time. Usually they can't so then they stop worrying.
It is in the school's best interest that I pass my comps this time. I will I promise.
Then the next step is oral comps which I will rock at.
Then I have to propose my prospectus.
Once I do that I don't have to supervise any more Masters students. It will give me more time to just write. Plus my husband will be back finishing his BA. So plenty of time to write.
But first things first....Comps.
I think I will act like its my first time taking comps. That might make it better. That way I don't fear failing again. And I won't think of the consequences of failing.
In a way I think that the questions are easier.....did they dumb it down? Do I care if they did? Not really, nope not at all.
The sun is shining and I feel more energetic but its still not saying much since well I usually would be asleep right now. I am on the mend though.
~William Jennings Bryan
My title sounds like I am talking to furniture. Nope I am not my friends, I am talking to THE CHAIR, the all important one. The person who will make sure I finish this PhD.
So we have set a new date for Comps, May 6-9th.
We talked at length about the new questions and I am going to start answering them to an extent and have my chair give me feedback. I must pass them this time. I have also given myself more time to perfect it and worry more....lol maybe not the worrying.
I have often told students that they need to set aside a time and just worry in that time but that they are not allowed to worry any other time during the day except during that time. Usually they can't so then they stop worrying.
It is in the school's best interest that I pass my comps this time. I will I promise.
Then the next step is oral comps which I will rock at.
Then I have to propose my prospectus.
Once I do that I don't have to supervise any more Masters students. It will give me more time to just write. Plus my husband will be back finishing his BA. So plenty of time to write.
But first things first....Comps.
I think I will act like its my first time taking comps. That might make it better. That way I don't fear failing again. And I won't think of the consequences of failing.
In a way I think that the questions are easier.....did they dumb it down? Do I care if they did? Not really, nope not at all.
The sun is shining and I feel more energetic but its still not saying much since well I usually would be asleep right now. I am on the mend though.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Moving on
So I came up with three new questions and gave them to my chair. They are being approved by my committee now. She is trying to help me MOVE on.....so right now I am being PUSHED. oh well maybe its like a bandaid the sooner you retake it and pass the better it will be. At least that is my hope right now.
I think I will end up retaking my comps the first weekend in May now that I am going to NY the last weekend of the month. My best friend is having her baby shower.
I am still having issues writing my dissertation though. I know I can work on some historical information it is just hard to move on.
I got my blood tested and found out that out of 35 Normal Vitamin D levels my level is a 5. Yup a 5. So this means that I am taking Vitamin D prescription level once a week. Vitamin D affects your mood, being depressed and energy level. All I have been able to do is sleep. Now this explains it.
Today was my first time taking the pill and I didn't yawn as much but passed out at 4pm when I tried to write more of my dissertation.
I think I will end up retaking my comps the first weekend in May now that I am going to NY the last weekend of the month. My best friend is having her baby shower.
I am still having issues writing my dissertation though. I know I can work on some historical information it is just hard to move on.
I got my blood tested and found out that out of 35 Normal Vitamin D levels my level is a 5. Yup a 5. So this means that I am taking Vitamin D prescription level once a week. Vitamin D affects your mood, being depressed and energy level. All I have been able to do is sleep. Now this explains it.
Today was my first time taking the pill and I didn't yawn as much but passed out at 4pm when I tried to write more of my dissertation.
Monday, March 28, 2011
So its been awhile
A long while.
I went into a depression there. All the signs of loss have been there. I've been angry, crying at a drop of the hat. I feel like I lost someone close to me. And I did, I lost myself.
I know its weird but my pride stung and I was so embarrassed.
I've been ill and tired. Its been a mess. I went to my doctor and got some anti-depression drugs. Its day 3 of those. I have to take them at night because otherwise I yawn all day, no not small yawns, BIG yawns! funny but not at work. I made an appointment with my counselor. I will see him this week.
Getting help is not a sign of weakness but of strength. I had to reach out and help myself.
This was a build up. This was not something new. I had pushed on and through all the stress of working full time and taking classes, supervising students, and writing. Yes failing comps was the icing on the cake but certainly NOT the cause of my problems.
My husband has been watching me worried and even my friends have been attentive waiting for me to talk.
So I have been talking...alot.
I went and talked to my chair. She told me that I am NOT the first to fail written comps and I won't be the last. people fail comps all the time. They have made it through and are PhDs. So never fear my friend who also failed comps. I am there with you. My chair said that I can get through this. That is what I needed to hear.
Now I have to come up with three new questions. It will take awhile.
So how am I pushing through this? Well I am taking a step back. Yes my health and mental sanity comes first. I am not taking dissertation this summer. I am studying abroad in Italy for 11 days and doing my practicum. This gives me the time I need to recoup and recover.
I have also asked if I can take an extra year to write my dissertation.
I am also looking at changing my dissertation topic since it turns out that my original plan wouldn't give me enough people to compare results with. Talk about some stress there....
I finally told a classmate of mine, one. He handled it well. He was more concerned about me and had said that he noticed something was wrong. I thought I was hiding it well out in the "real world" but apparently not. The assistant principal knows that something is wrong but doesn't know what and he has been checking on me everyday.
I did leave work the day I failed comps and cried and slept most of the day. I cried at a drop of the hat a whole week after that.
I even looked at why I am getting this PhD. Is it really necessary? I find that it is. Plus it would drive me batty to not finish something. But then again that is why only 10% of the entire population have a PhD.
Then I found out something by talking with my father. He failed Ranger school. He went to West Point graduated # 2 in his class and he failed Ranger school. The emotion he still feels for this is strong but it helped me out. He got sick and so didn't get to finish.
I have the inner strength and I know I will finish this, but maybe another year or half a year added will be the ticket.
I am tough but I need to take care of myself.
Its time to regroup, reassess, and press on but maybe at a slower pace.
I went into a depression there. All the signs of loss have been there. I've been angry, crying at a drop of the hat. I feel like I lost someone close to me. And I did, I lost myself.
I know its weird but my pride stung and I was so embarrassed.
I've been ill and tired. Its been a mess. I went to my doctor and got some anti-depression drugs. Its day 3 of those. I have to take them at night because otherwise I yawn all day, no not small yawns, BIG yawns! funny but not at work. I made an appointment with my counselor. I will see him this week.
Getting help is not a sign of weakness but of strength. I had to reach out and help myself.
This was a build up. This was not something new. I had pushed on and through all the stress of working full time and taking classes, supervising students, and writing. Yes failing comps was the icing on the cake but certainly NOT the cause of my problems.
My husband has been watching me worried and even my friends have been attentive waiting for me to talk.
So I have been talking...alot.
I went and talked to my chair. She told me that I am NOT the first to fail written comps and I won't be the last. people fail comps all the time. They have made it through and are PhDs. So never fear my friend who also failed comps. I am there with you. My chair said that I can get through this. That is what I needed to hear.
Now I have to come up with three new questions. It will take awhile.
So how am I pushing through this? Well I am taking a step back. Yes my health and mental sanity comes first. I am not taking dissertation this summer. I am studying abroad in Italy for 11 days and doing my practicum. This gives me the time I need to recoup and recover.
I have also asked if I can take an extra year to write my dissertation.
I am also looking at changing my dissertation topic since it turns out that my original plan wouldn't give me enough people to compare results with. Talk about some stress there....
I finally told a classmate of mine, one. He handled it well. He was more concerned about me and had said that he noticed something was wrong. I thought I was hiding it well out in the "real world" but apparently not. The assistant principal knows that something is wrong but doesn't know what and he has been checking on me everyday.
I did leave work the day I failed comps and cried and slept most of the day. I cried at a drop of the hat a whole week after that.
I even looked at why I am getting this PhD. Is it really necessary? I find that it is. Plus it would drive me batty to not finish something. But then again that is why only 10% of the entire population have a PhD.
Then I found out something by talking with my father. He failed Ranger school. He went to West Point graduated # 2 in his class and he failed Ranger school. The emotion he still feels for this is strong but it helped me out. He got sick and so didn't get to finish.
I have the inner strength and I know I will finish this, but maybe another year or half a year added will be the ticket.
I am tough but I need to take care of myself.
Its time to regroup, reassess, and press on but maybe at a slower pace.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
So its official
I did not pass Comps. However unlikely I thought that might be, I did not pass comps.
All my friends in the program have but I did not.
How does this make me feel? Like crap
I went to work this morning and cried like 4 times finally leaving for the day. I took a 3 hour nap and still feel out of it. i think I am grieving. Lord I want to wake up from this godaweful nightmere and find a different better e-mail from my professor.
My stomach is in knots and I feel like I want to throw up.
Brian met me here at the apartment early with Chick-fil-A for lunch and some flowers. Great man.
I just wish I could snap out of it.
Of course my mind is consumed with all those self doubts of all that I lack. I never felt like I should have done this program and the man that said that I could now said that I failed comps.
I of course will have one more chance to pass comps. If I fail them again I am SOLed. They will kick me unceremoniously from the PhD program.
One of my friend found out a half an hour ago that he passed comps. How the fuck did I fail comps.
I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed at nauseum
How will I survive this total humiliation? yes I have an ego and its crushed.
I want to be an ostrich and just hide in the sand. I want to run away.
I really want to just quit it all. The program, counseling, and yes even this area and just run away. Stop the blog stop facebook and just fall off the face of the earth with Brian of course.
Should I even continue on this mad quest of mine? What should I do?
Part of me bratily wants to just say Fuck you to the school and just move on with my life and huge debt to pay back for what? all for nothing. Awesome.
Yes I am having a pity party for myself. I am self-aware but at the same time this is a HUGE blow.
All my friends in the program have but I did not.
How does this make me feel? Like crap
I went to work this morning and cried like 4 times finally leaving for the day. I took a 3 hour nap and still feel out of it. i think I am grieving. Lord I want to wake up from this godaweful nightmere and find a different better e-mail from my professor.
My stomach is in knots and I feel like I want to throw up.
Brian met me here at the apartment early with Chick-fil-A for lunch and some flowers. Great man.
I just wish I could snap out of it.
Of course my mind is consumed with all those self doubts of all that I lack. I never felt like I should have done this program and the man that said that I could now said that I failed comps.
I of course will have one more chance to pass comps. If I fail them again I am SOLed. They will kick me unceremoniously from the PhD program.
One of my friend found out a half an hour ago that he passed comps. How the fuck did I fail comps.
I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed at nauseum
How will I survive this total humiliation? yes I have an ego and its crushed.
I want to be an ostrich and just hide in the sand. I want to run away.
I really want to just quit it all. The program, counseling, and yes even this area and just run away. Stop the blog stop facebook and just fall off the face of the earth with Brian of course.
Should I even continue on this mad quest of mine? What should I do?
Part of me bratily wants to just say Fuck you to the school and just move on with my life and huge debt to pay back for what? all for nothing. Awesome.
Yes I am having a pity party for myself. I am self-aware but at the same time this is a HUGE blow.
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