I did not pass Comps. However unlikely I thought that might be, I did not pass comps.
All my friends in the program have but I did not.
How does this make me feel? Like crap
I went to work this morning and cried like 4 times finally leaving for the day. I took a 3 hour nap and still feel out of it. i think I am grieving. Lord I want to wake up from this godaweful nightmere and find a different better e-mail from my professor.
My stomach is in knots and I feel like I want to throw up.
Brian met me here at the apartment early with Chick-fil-A for lunch and some flowers. Great man.
I just wish I could snap out of it.
Of course my mind is consumed with all those self doubts of all that I lack. I never felt like I should have done this program and the man that said that I could now said that I failed comps.
I of course will have one more chance to pass comps. If I fail them again I am SOLed. They will kick me unceremoniously from the PhD program.
One of my friend found out a half an hour ago that he passed comps. How the fuck did I fail comps.
I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed at nauseum
How will I survive this total humiliation? yes I have an ego and its crushed.
I want to be an ostrich and just hide in the sand. I want to run away.
I really want to just quit it all. The program, counseling, and yes even this area and just run away. Stop the blog stop facebook and just fall off the face of the earth with Brian of course.
Should I even continue on this mad quest of mine? What should I do?
Part of me bratily wants to just say Fuck you to the school and just move on with my life and huge debt to pay back for what? all for nothing. Awesome.
Yes I am having a pity party for myself. I am self-aware but at the same time this is a HUGE blow.
I just want you to know that I have also failed my comps, as of two weeks ago. I have been feeling like shit ever since and questioning everything. Everyone who was so supportive of me before seem to be distancing themselves now, like I have a disease.
ReplyDeleteI googled "I failed comps" and have been reading about how others handle this. I don't know what to do.
Dear Fractured,
ReplyDeleteEach person will have to handle it differently. I have found out that in some colleges/universities it is a norm to fail it once. Its the pressure we put on ourselves that we have to be careful about.
The college counselors are free to see. If you chose your chair or have a professor you trust you can talk to them.
You don't have a disease, just a setback.
I am hear if you want to talk more about it.
Does everyone know you failed comps?
I have just been breaking down and kept it a complete secret embarrassed to even look at my husband,